My dearest Samuel

This morning I thankful for how well we have been getting along lately.  We have had fun playing, cooking, running errands, and doing just whatever.  Your usual stubborn, "you are not daddy so stay away" attitude has not been present.  I have loved having you home and have tried to remember to tell you this.

Funny how I was thinking these things before you woke for the day.  Funny how I thought we had turned a corner in our mommy-Samuel relationship.

It is funny, or ironic I guess, because this morning you broke me.  I have never been so hurt by words in my life.  I tried so hard to ignore you.  I did not want to get upset and act on my feelings.  I prayed it would pass.  But, it did not and you continued to break me with your words and actions.  I snapped.  There was nothing left in my and I felt totally out of control with my words and actions.  It was awful.

I apologized to you.  I guess you forgave me.  You said you were sorry to me, but I think you did that because I was yelling and you had to go to your room.  I don't know if you really meant it.  Does any 4 year old boy really mean "I'm sorry"?  Who knows.

I completely failed at being in control.  That is my job as your mommy, but your words hurt too much.  I know you probably don't really get that.  I doubt anyone has every spoken to you in such a way so you don't know how I felt.  I wish I could have been a better mommy this morning.  Hopefully I can be tomorrow.

I am guessing we have not quite turned that corner yet, but I still believe that we are closer today than yesterday.  Despite this morning, I think we are closer.  I promise to try to be a better mommy...to stay in control when you are not in control.  You can only learn from what you see and this morning was ugly for both of us.  I know every day will not be hearts and rainbows.  There will be bumps....some big and little along our journey.  Today was a big bump.  A big lesson learned for both of us. 

The other funny thing about today was me reading a post about giving grace in parenting (you can read about it here:  www.thebettermom.com).  The blogger discussed how moms need grace as much as kids.  Moms don't always speak and act kindly.  We don't always shine the bright light for all to see.  That was definitely me this morning.  Your light was pretty dim as well.  So I am giving us both grace.  Mess ups happens.  Life goes on and we have to learn to be better so the next time I don't feel broken.  So the next time you use kinder words.  We both know there will be a next time.  Thank God for grace because we both needed it today!

I am wanting more times like this Samuel so I will try harder if you do too!