The bad news about feeling broken is that everything else suffers. I really mean everything and most importantly my family suffers. My sweet babies and Drew take the brunt of my negative attitude and seeming inability to be consistently happy. Poor Drew...I am sure he is ready for his unemotional wife to return because that is not me at the moment.
To help heal my heart I have convinced Drew to begin major projects at our house. Being busy helps healing, right? Well, it at least keeps me busy! Another part of my need to change things at our house is that I feel a strong pull that my life is ripe for change. I have yet to figure out what the change is. Is is big or little? Is it just change for me or for my family? What kind of change is it? I have no idea. It is pretty much making me a little nuts. I have prayed about it again and again and again. I have talked about it with Drew again and again and again. I feel like I have exhausted both my best options and now I just have to wait. But, do you know the hardest part about waiting? It is waiting. I am not very patient!
In Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8, it is written,
There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to dear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace
I feel like I have done almost all of this in the past three weeks. There have been great moments of dancing and sad moments of tears. I am building and tearing down at the same time. I am keeping and purging. I feel like it is all an effort and a desire to reach something that is not quite reachable yet. I am at war with myself and I just want peace!
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| Elena standing in front of her crib...Emma, Jonah, and Samuel's crib too. |
One of the biggest changes yet occurred tonight. We took down the crib. Well, Drew did and I sat, watched, and cried. For the first time in 9 years I don't have a crib in my house and I don't need one. I am ready for the next stage of my life...the not being pregnant one, but it is still a huge moment for me and us. It is confirmation that we are moving forward. I felt ready to take it down. Elena was ready to have it out of her room, but my heart was crying out for my babies to stop growing. Please stay little! And I know this is impossible and I will love watching them become the people God created them to be.
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| and now just an empty space |
That space will soon be filled with toys because we have way too many toys. At the moment though that space looks more like my broken heart. A blank space just waiting to be filled with something.
One of my top five favorite verses is Proverbs 3:5-6...Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. But, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.
Trust
Trust
Trust
That is so much easier to say and than to always do, but I don't see much choice at the moment. Thank goodness Drew loves me or he would think I have lost my mind!! Thank goodness I can run because it helps me process all this. Thank goodness I like change. I really do! But, I need peace so that is my prayer...to trust and to have peace in my heart!
excellent post! I needed to hear this too!
ReplyDeletePatience and trust sometimes feel like the two hardest things God can ask from us!!!!!! :). I will say some extra prayers for you.
ReplyDeleteDear, dear Kortni, My heart hurts for you as I remember those feelings washing over me as each "shift" came along...and suddenly you aren't who you were and it's un-nerving. It's hard to be in the midst of switching from the "crib" phase into the "raising the children" phase AND at the same time comd back from a long summer of fun...and it takes energy and spunk and trusting courage, all of which you have in abundance. To me, you were very wise to stop and realize what your heart was experiencing and trust that you God would help you feel back into a place of purpose and stability.
ReplyDeletePlease know how much I love and admire you as I watch you grow in so many loving ways and bring such joy and fun to Drew and the kids and your family and friends. I can totally relate to your morning with dear Samuel...and how frustrating and hurtful mothering can be sometimes....but the kids are so fortunate to be able to see you speak your feelings and then apologize because you love them and want to restore a good relationship, and then forgive and love them....then they can understand God's grace and mercy. What a gift!! I love to watch the way you have of totally enjoying the kids and making them each feel so affirmed.
With much love, admiration, and thanksgiving that you are my daughter-in law....Gail